It’s with a heavy heart I write this post. I have been absent from blogging for a few weeks, unfortunately, life has thrown a huge curve-ball my way. I wanted to share a little of my story to anyone who reads this. I’ve explained a bit about this on my personal social media accounts, so I will be taking extracts from my posts there. Thank you so much in advance for reading our story. I post this in memory of my little one.
These last few weeks were rough. My life took such a strange and traumatic turn so quickly. World is way upside down. I was set to enter the most exciting chapter of my life. To be a mother. Unfortunately that could not come to pass. Our baby had a fatal abnormality. (With 100% mortality rate). You’d never think it’s going to happen to you. I was healthy all my life, never had an issue. But it’s random and cannot be stopped nor helped. I don’t want my story to go unheard. I want to raise awareness for so many reasons. We’ve had so much support over the last while, I’m so thankful. I’m going to get myself back on track and it may take some time. I’ll always cherish my first pregnancy and I’m safe in the knowledge our little wonder will watch over us forever.
We were diagnosed with Anencephaly. This is a Neural Tube Defect, occurring when the spine does not finish forming. As a result, the skull does not form or begin to close over. The brain cannot develop either, aside from a small amount of brain tissue, so it gets damaged from being exposed to amniotic fluid in my womb. Unfortunately there’s no way of starting the process for this to develop, or to treat it any further. We were told it was most likely if we even got a chance to see our little one, it would be for a short and traumatic few minutes. Our lives were in such a tailspin because I was never as happy in my whole life before becoming pregnant. It all got taken away so quickly.
I’m not going to go into too much detail, but I will say given the circumstances, myself and my partner decided to make what we felt was the right decision given our little one’s prognosis. I understand the judgement that comes no matter what a mother decides in this time. Regardless of whether or not a baby with anencephaly is carried to term, there’ll be people that will agree or disagree with what you do. I’ve learned not to listen, for me I decided it was important that my baby became at peace. I was in such a distraught place, so was everyone who knew at the time.
For me, this post serves to raise a little awareness of Fatal Abnormalities. (And not to frighten anyone in any way, just to explain how random this can be) I was perfectly healthy, rarely needed to see a doctor or anything like that. It isn’t really proven how it happens, but it effects about 6 in 10, 000 births. So I guess it’s a really blameless thing to happen, even though that’s what I struggled with the most – I needed something to be angry at but there’s not a thing! I was told it’s very unlikely to happen again, which is a bit of consolation I guess.
I have so much gratitude to people, so many have helped us through this. Our family, friends and the multiple doctors and nurses we have seen just really cared for us and did it with the upmost respect. The best thing to come from this tragic situation was experience the kindness of people, strangers and those we knew. People came together for us and genuinely felt for our situation.
It is true, I wanted this baby so much. More than anything, I even wished I could’ve been the one to have something wrong and not them at times. But I don’t resent anyone, least of all our little hero. We’ve got an amazing angel to watch over us. Never to be forgotten. This whole experience has made me a stronger and better person, and I’ll always have our baby that didn’t make it to thank for that.
I will happily talk to anyone about my experience. Whether you’re curious or you’ve gone through something similar, I’m always available to talk. I didn’t know much about NTD’s before I had to go through it. I don’t want anyone to go through this feeling as alone as I did. And I want to be as open as possible about this, so the memory of my loved one is never lost.
I’ll be getting myself back into blogging over the coming weeks. I look forward to it.
Thanks so much for reading,
(For our hero, 6.3.18)